


What Do I Do?

by madamecrimson



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment (Web Series)
Genre: Bisexuality, Feelings, HWYD, M/M, Pining, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:33:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24377308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamecrimson/pseuds/madamecrimson
Summary: Spoilers for episode 6 of the Here's What You Do podcast.It was once again the part of the week where they were filming their podcast. It had performed well enough in audio form that they decided to video record it as well to put on YouTube. Shane began the podcast with an introduction, and a reminder of where fans could send in their questions. Ryan was the one to read aloud the questions they were going to answering that week.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Marielle Scott (mentioned), Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Shane Madej/Sara Rubin (mentioned)
Kudos: 38





	What Do I Do?

"Tattoos, respectfully asserting your opinion, and when is it okay to say "I love you," Ryan read. 

Shane's eyes briefly darted away from the screen as he felt his heart begin to beat a little faster. It wasn't as if he was unaware of the questions ahead of time, but hearing Ryan state the last one turned his stomach in knots. 

The tattoo submission explained that the person asking was thinking of getting a tattoo but had some reservations about it, and ended with asking Steven, Ryan, and Shane if they had any tattoos or what they would get as a tattoo. They all answered that none of them had tattoos with Shane being dead set against getting one, Ryan verbally displaying his intricate thought process to come to the conclusion that he probably wouldn't get one, and Steven saying he would in certain circumstances, like if it were to involve his family. Of course, it wouldn't be Watcher if there wasn't a nipple joke or two thrown in there. 

The second question regarding stating opinions assertively without being offensive, of course, had them revealing that they were all conflict avoidant to a fault, with Shane being most likely to stay away from it. Steven and Ryan then discussed various situations in which they _might_ politely step in. At some point, Ryan lowered the screen of his laptop so that all was visible was his lap. Shane's eyes were immediately drawn to Ryan's movement, his eyebrows rising incrementally at the sight. Inside, however, the war in his mind between revealing his true feelings for Ryan and concealing them forever rose once more to the surface. And again, his nihilistic nature was forced to watch from the sidelines; this couldn't be solved by logic or realism. He supposed all feelings were that way. That was part of why he avoided displaying them whenever possible. 

When Steven arrived at the third question, Shane could feel his fingers begin to tremble with nervous anticipation. He was incredibly thankful that the combination of lighting coming in through the blinds and his pale complexion were enough to hide most of the blush that had appeared on his cheeks. 

"Alrighty so, how's it going lads? Hope this e-mail finds you well. I'm gonna jump right into this. In the past, I have often struggled expressing my feelings to those I care about. This all changed when I met my current girlfriend. Although we've only been dating a short time, I can picture the rest of my life with her clear as day. With the current situation..." 

Shane felt his breath hitch in his throat. In an effort not to reveal his emotional distress, he let out a long yawn, covering his mouth with a large hand and bringing his palm up to his eyes. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and his stomach tightened its knots frantically. This was why Shane refrained from discussing his emotions altogether with people he cared about. 

Steven continued to read on. "I feel like every moment I'm not professing my love is a moment wasted. However, we haven't been dating all that long and I'm scared of spooking my girlfriend by being too intense."

The question ended with the fan confessing that they didn't have a lot of experience telling their deeper emotions to people and requested advice. 

It wasn't that Shane didn't experience feelings. He just didn't show them. 

He was terrified that if he let his guard down for even one second, the intensity of emotions would obliterate him and whomever he was speaking to, a tsunami drowning them both and inevitably severing their connection. 

Steven, being the optimist of their group, immediately told the fan to simply say how they felt. Ryan winced immediately as he drew in a sharp breath, and Shane soon followed with a slight shaking of his head.

Shane contemplated if that was because matters of the heart were easier for Steven, or at least more conventional. Steven was straight, monogamous, already had marriage planned out for down the line. 

Shane wasn't any of those things. 

Although he wasn't a man of faith, Shane counted his blessings every day for Sara. He couldn't have hoped for a more amazing girl to come into his life, one who listened to his obscure indie bands, someone who shared his love of the artistry of film, and who possessed a similar demeanor; plus, she understood that his bisexuality and polyamorous nature were simply the way he was wired and she was okay with that. She had told Shane that as hot as it would be to see Ryan fuck him (sweet intention behind her crass words of course), she knew that Shane would have to be the one to tell Ryan. Shane had already had to make his way through Ryan's carefully guarded layers just to become his friend. 

When Steven said his name, Shane blinked and smiled quickly in response. He'd gotten lost in his own thoughts and hoped that he could pick up enough to hop back in. 

"You might die tomorrow, so what are you waiting for right?" Steven said. "Like you just can't live your life with regret." 

Shane glanced off screen quickly, needing just a second to brace himself to get back to the subject matter. He felt a small flame of bravery hot in his chest, piping up to speak as soon as Steven finished talking. 

"What if the person is like, I don't know--" Shane began before Ryan started to say something at the same time.. 

And just like that the flame turned to embers. 

"Okay go ahead Ryan," Shane said quietly.

Shane had meant to ask _"What if the person is like, I don't know, a friend of yours instead of someone your're dating? When should you tell them?"_.

He felt like his throat was burned.

If anyone asked him about it later, he was certain he could get away with blaming it on his conflict avoidance. 

Ryan had been quite surprised by the short time frame Steven had offered up and to solidify his point, began listing time frames for Shane to either approve or disapprove. 

"A month and a half?" Ryan giggled after Shane had shot down Ryan's previous time frames. 

"Maybe? No," Shane answered. 

"Two months?" Ryan continued. 

"Getting there," Shane replied. 

"It's getting warmer, you see this is getting warmer for me as well," Ryan said. 

Shane could feel waves of hot and cold washing over him, emotion bubbling up inside him rapidly like pouring a fizzy drink that threatens to overflow out of its glass. 

"Three months?" Ryan asked. 

"That sounds like a good cut off," Shane responded, unsure whether he actually believed that or just needed Ryan to stop asking. 

"Yeah, that feels good for me too," Ryan said. 

Shane felt like a cartoon character with a vein popping out of his forehead, throbbing with the effort of restraining his own mind from running with that. 

"That's when we're starting to--" Shane began before quickly, awkwardly continuing on. "It's a complicated feeling you should give appropriate simmering time to." 

Shane was incredibly grateful that Steven spoke up after that. He needed a minute for his racing heart to slow just a little so his breathing wouldn't sound like he'd just run a marathon. 

"We." 

Shane hadn't meant to say "we," it had just slipped out somehow. 

Eventually, the conversation made its way to Ryan comparing a blooming relationship to steak. 

"The point being," Ryan explained, "is the steak is actually tastier and more enjoyable because you waited for it to come fully into form, and I believe love could be the same way." 

Shane began fiddling with the black pencil on his desk. He forced himself not to think about the fact that Ryan said that three months was an appropriate time to wait before confessing feelings of love for someone, that Ryan insinuated love was better when waiting for it fully develop. He'd been harboring his feelings towards Ryan for years, even telling Sara about it the night he asked her out. He knew from the start how special she was and laid everything on the table right from the beginning. 

She admitted had that she thought that Shane and Ryan were dating when she first started at Buzzfeed but when she found out about Helen, she slowly began flirting with Shane, but left it up to him to ask her out. She wasn't going to wait around pining like some lovesick puppy. If he wanted her, he was going to have to come and get her. To Shane's relief, Sara had correctly deduced that Shane was bisexual, that he had feelings for Ryan and herself, and while she didn't pick up on the polyamory right away, it was not a giant mental leap. She encouraged him to pursue Ryan, at least steer the conversation to see how Helen and Ryan felt about polyamory but Shane always declined. When Ryan and Helen broke up, and Ryan leaned heavily on Shane and Sara (in addition to Steven) for support, Shane had felt too guilty and too worried about Ryan to do anything. When Ryan starting dating Mari, Shane figured that for himself this would end up being just another aching pain that comes with age; even if he couldn't be with Ryan in the way that he wanted to, he still wanted him as his best friend. He didn't know what he would do if Ryan wasn't in his life. Shane just couldn't risk it. 

Forcing himself to talk again, Shane commented that what might be helpful is to say something at the end of interacting with someone you've just started dating, something unique and memorable to fill the awkward air, instead of I love you. He suggested "too da loo." 

As the podcast drew to a close, Shane inquired if either Ryan or Steven had any last thoughts. 

"I love you," Ryan said in a soft, high-pitched tone. 

Shane felt like he had been punched in the gut, rendered temporarily speechless before he awkwardly squawked out a "too da loo."

He was thankful that Steven had a meeting and Ryan had a Zoom call with his brother so the post-filming notes discussion was pretty short. Once Steven and Ryan had left the Zoom call Shane closed his laptop and leaned warily back against his chair. 

He had no idea what to do.


End file.
